Sympathy eCard

Name the person who died, say you are sorry, and share one specific memory of them if you have one. Close by saying you are thinking of the family and that no reply is needed.

Short and sincere beats long and searching for the right words. There are none, and nobody expects you to find them.

Avoid anything that tries to make the death make sense. "They are in a better place", "everything happens for a reason", "at least they did not suffer" and "I know exactly how you feel" all reframe a loss the bereaved person has not finished feeling.

Avoid asking how it happened, too. A sympathy card is not the place for the question.

Yes. It is one of the most consistently welcome things you can do. Bereaved people notice that others avoid the name for fear of causing pain, and the avoidance usually hurts more than the name.

Using it, and saying something specific about them, tells the family their person is still real to other people.

Write about the person you do know. Saying you are sorry for their loss, that you are thinking of them, and that you are there if they want anything is complete.

You can add that you are sorry you never met the person, or repeat something your friend once told you about them, which shows you listened.

There is no deadline, and later is often better. The first fortnight brings a flood of cards the family can barely take in, while the months afterwards are when the support disappears and the grief does not.

A card at three or six months, or on the anniversary, is frequently the one that means most.

Yes, particularly when you are far away or want to reach someone quickly. What matters is that the message is genuine and personal.

An eCard also carries a recorded voice message, which for a close friend can comfort more than anything written, and it reaches someone abroad on the day rather than in a fortnight.

Offer something specific, or say nothing about it. "Let me know if you need anything" is well meant but hands the work to someone with no capacity for it.

Naming a thing you will do, dropping food round on a particular day, handling a task, phoning on Sunday, is a real offer. Only make it if you will follow through.

Say you remembered. That is the entire message, and it is one of the most valued things a bereaved person receives.

Naming the person and the date, and saying you are thinking of the family, tells them the loss has not been forgotten by everyone else, which by the first anniversary is often exactly how it feels.